Nom Nom Nom! Me Eat Chur Soul =3

hippocritical bitch gtfo cunt

no hope no ue…im unwanted, unloved, a bother, stupid, gullible, empty, numb, ugly, lying.

• unwanted cause they ignore me
• unloved cause they use me
• a bother cause they dont wanna be around me
• stupid cause i do things i know i should
• gullible cause i believe you even if in my hert n head i know ur prolly lying
• empty cause im always half numb half depressed
• numb cause i dont care anymore
• ugly cause i dont like hat i see in the mirror
• ling cause im almost always wearing a mask on my face

blood….it wont get outta my head. and stupid happy endings its never really like that i always get hurt nd disappointed. but the blood i get lost in it, its so sensual…thats weird right…not just me….worse im craving the blood…pouring out…dripping…im also craving to get high like bad smiling, gigling, having fun, not a care in the world…i want the pills. i also crave the touch of another person…like my boyfriend….i want it to be…happy hanging out, holding hands, kisses, cuddling, sleeping in his arms, you know stuff. just got back from hanging with him. this burn on my wrist damn makes me crave to cut to cut to bleed to bleed….mmmmahhhhhh.

PAST

well i guess i start from the begining..not the whole i was born and blah blah but i guess my story starts when i was 4 yeras old….

When i was 4…

….well my dad started using drugs again. He was on medication and the drugs he did plus the alcohol didnt mix well. He got worse and started trippin hella bad got super paranoid and went out and bought a gun. one night he came home and my mom was asleep, i was up watching tv for some reason and he came in saying something about there gunna get him idk. anyways he was in the corner of the room cleaning his gun and it went off. my mom woke up and started freaking out, and from what im told so did my dad. I felt fine but apperently i was shot. and that starts it. My dad goes to jail, i go to the hospital…on my own where im being poked at and stabbed with needles…thats why im scared of needles now i guess it tramatized me. from that experience i do not remember much from before the shotting and apperantly i was in the hospital for a little over the month, from what i was told i had to re learn everything. walking, talking…from that experiance i have 3 scars. 2 from the the bullet it went in and out it almost killed me. it punctured my lung causing me to get a chest tube (which caused my 3rd scar) the doctor said if it went up or down a centimeter i would be dead.

After that we moved to a diffrent part of San Bruno. it was call Treetops…

Treetops..

It was interesting so imagine a 4way cross section. on my corner it was our apartments complex (Bruno), go straight across and its a hill. at the bottom is a 7 eleven and Westbourgh Middle school (S.S.F.), If you went kiddy corner from my apartments it was a bus stop (p-town/pacifica) across the street from that was a car shop i forgot the name it was red in the logo though o.o

anyways while i lived there i went to an elementary school it ended up closing down and moving so for third grade i started at the new school. The had us take singing classes, judo, we could also do a group called talk it out i was apart of it but i idnt get along with the councilor in charge. she didnt like me. and always tried to get me in trouble. she even threw me against a wall once so my mom wanted to sue, but we ended up not.

6th grade the start of midle school i wanted to go whith all my friends, but it was to far and we didnt have a car so my mom made me go to Westbourgh cause it was down the hill. 6th grade i was a tomboy,in a grade higher then i should be in math,goody two shoes,vegitarian,christian or catholic,goth (i guess), who could run a mile in a little under 6 minutes. I was gunna be a virgin till marrage, i played video games, and rode my bike, who always wore all black. then we moved to Madeo….

Madeo….

 7th grade…i went to Bayside and i was one of the popular kids, but then my friends wanted to tell me who i could n couldnt be friends with. i didnt like that. they didnt like that i didnt like that. so they made my life hell. and my best friend who didnt hang with them was a lil “chola” was fake and help to try and get me jumped >.> basically 7th grades a blur, i became a level 5 truant they had social services, and they put me back in therapy, and i started getting into bad things like i first started stealing. after that i was home schooled and we moved to a diffrent part of madeo.For 8th grade half way through the school year i went to BIS (burlingame intermidiate) i was in “special ed” because i was diagnosed with depression and adhd but i would never admit that but i got my owwn little “group” it was me, rachel, carrmen, then alice came twords the end of the year. this was the first time i ever drank. it was at school in the bathroom. (before alice came along) rachel brought a water bottle full of tequilla, carmen brought cookies, and i had the gum. we split it evenly and i guess i had like 3 or 4 shots cause it did get me tipsy till lunch. 8th grade i also cme to turns with my sexuality, because i was strugling with my feelings toward girls cause i grew up in a christian/cathlic home and generally its frowned upon.

High School…

freshman year at BHS i stayed best friends with alice, i had my first bf it was a stupid online thing that lasted for 6 months. December  me and alice started drifting she started hanging with the spanish speaking kids and i really didnt have anyone else the my bf broke up with me and that sent me into a deep depression from lossing my best friend and my bf. and that depression caused me to start cutting.then my friend andrea introduced me to shauna sweeney. ill admit the bad things i did was manly my doing i instigated it or brought it up. through her i made friends with the misfits. Alice didnt like this she said i was to depressing. :// i guess not really. freshman year i tried pleasing people and being liked my friends were all stoners so why not try it right, and they smooked why not try it they didnt pressure me i was always interested in trying it. we started drinking regulaly sometimes everyday and yea then me n shauna got caught stealing so her dad moved her to SMHS, and yea that summer i lost my virginity and two of my best friends. one moved to san diego and the other because i dated his cousin (ie: guy i lost my v card too)

Sophmore year i was a train wreck i never went to school cause i alwaysed cut class, to smoke or drink or hang out with my friends or my…friend with benifit even though i never had a benifit cause he always killed my mood after a while so i never enjoyed anything we did. not that we had sex that didnt happen till junior year.I meet a girl named april ohh did we make crazy memories, she was just a friend but at first i liked her and was gunna see where it went but yea….so sophmore year….stealing,cutting,short skirts,vicodin,cutting class, smoking, drinking,sneaking out ohhh…anyways in feburary i got expelled with my new best friend allegra (annie,lovey,raccoon eyes)

Gateway….i did more bad things i was there till the begining of 2nd semester junior year. lets see at gateway cigs, fights, drinking, blunts, lies to the rents, bi girls xD

SMHS (last year-present)

drama but i finally seem to have good friends for the most part dont tempt me to cut, smoke, or drink. when i do it its when im stress i dont smoke or drink i sometimes smoke a cig but thats wat ever and i havent cut in pfff…months and wow idk. yea so there you go this is my life as me and i feel better. :)

PRESENT

it hurts to much life that is. im losing everything…hope..dreams…feeling. i wish i would just go numb already. i wish, i crave the urges to just look down and see my arms like they where in sophmore year raw…bloody…blood the thing that beats in our veins. that taste of tastes that only tastes that way.the way it drips…similar yet diffrent from a rain drop…

then my friends…i guess you could call them that…no they are i just…pushing everyone away i try but i never feel good enough, comfortable…complete.its always julio and angela. or taylor n galliet.vikii is vikii i can talk to her most of the time but not somethings cause she wont get it. gallet and taylor arent an option.angela..doesnt always help, so i dont tend to ask her. Julio he’s prolly the person who would get what im going through the most but i feel like a bother and a debby downer.

my boyfriend….what boyfriend, i dont need anyone. ive been fine on my own i dont need a man to define me. nothing was wrong so why change it.

today i painted…i made a new york skyline, sunset on a hill, and a tornado scene (not my best), then just crap…

The devil (a.k.a. my stepdad) is on the war path…yay

me im…idk half numb, half depressed. half the time i dont feel anything, and the other times im fighting back tears. i dont tend to share my true feelings specially like on here where everyone and there mamma can read it but ill be honest. straight feelings and emotions.

now back to what i was saying.i have left class last week a bunch of times because i was abut to start crying. why you ask? not because of some bi polar thing. but i have been isolating myself and pushing people away and when im alone  or by myself with time to thing. to much time to think and dwell and look back and focus on  the bad negative things even if i try not to just brings me down more. at this point here and now i have been thinking of cutting myself as you prolly figured out from my earlier comments. that is if you know me and some of my past. my past i uess ill put that up for those of you who dont know i guess.

then another stresser right now is prom. my friends have there own limo, i have no date, i dont wanna show up in my parents dumb car, cant back out now i bought my dress and ticket, all my friends have dates so ill be bored to death, i wanna party after but my mother insists on driving me around…everywhere -.-

i love life its so great my friends are amazing and my family rocks. i have the best pets and im soo pretty. best part is i dont need anything to make me feel this way. :]]

:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

hehe i feel accomplishe i wont say why though im still in the closet about it :]]

Why do i bother trying?